I need help dealing with a parent

[Picassa]

I was not sure where to post this but I have had an unfortunate experience at school this week and would appreciate some advice.

I was called to the office because there was an irate parent with a complaint against me. He said that his daughter is terrified of coming to school because of me and I cannot imagine how I could have made such a horrible impression on a student.

I cannot recall any instance in the 3 days that I have taught this student where I have had to correct behaviour or attitude. She has been a pleasant and amicable student as far as I have experienced.

I did ask the student to wash her hands during class as she had a terrible cough. I remind all students to wash their hands at the end of class because we are concerned with Swine Flu this year.

This incident has really upset me and I wonder what I could have said or done that would cause this type of reaction in a student.

My principal and held a conference with this parent. I tried to address his concerns but he remained angry and the situation was not. My principal seems very supportive but that terrible sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach just will not go away.

Any advice...

[Dhe Poet]

Wow! I'm so sad to hear this. It is just the start of a new year, no? What is it you teach and to whom? Hopefully the child will have more enjoyable experiences because of you and remember to let her mom and dad know. Best wishes.

[Brit]

This is really tough. you'll need to find a way to make a plan that will satisfy the parent, help the child, and also ensure that your principal remains confident in you. I'd suggest asking for your principal to come in and observe informally and see if s/he can pinpoint anything you should be improving in your practice (but not necessarily letting the parent or child know this -- it could give the child more power than you'd like, or make the parent feel that you're unfit to be alone withtheir child). you could broach this in a way unrelated to the parent incident...I just think it's always good for a principal to SEE you teaching and interacting with students to bolster their confidence in you.

This all might blow over with time, but if you want to address the issue head-on, I would sit down with the parent and child with another staff member present and try to get down to the bottom of what upset the child. If it was one small instance, perhaps everyone will be molified with an appology. It could be something entirely unrelated to you, like the student HATES the person who sits beside him/her, but is afraid to say anything about that, or it could just be that the child is scared of school in general or is having trouble with the transition to school from the summer, and it's coming out as you being mean, when really, it's nothing to do with you at all. Little kids can't always pinpoint what's bothering them, and so you might be being scapegoated, if that makes sense.

[Teach Compassion]

well, from what little we know about this, you probably shouldnt have told the girl to wash her hands during class. I'm guessing you know that now. It must have been embarrassing for her.

On the other hand, the parent may simply be one of those who will never be satisfied with any level of care their children receive, no matter how careful and attentive.

We really need to see what other cards this parent has in her hand... What did she seem like to you? Did she rant, or was she calm? Does she have unmet needs of her own, and is shifting subconsciously anger for her own issues upon her daughter's education, looking to point the finger wherever she can?

But maybe simply palming this off on the parent is too simplistic... Perhaps the child herself has played a trump card from her own hand, seeking to play mother against teacher in a sure-win situation. Does she seem manipulative at all?

Good luck in either case...

[Boxcar]

The other suggestions are good, and I agree with most of them. I would like to add that you could perhaps talk to the teacher the child had last year. This doesn't break confidentiality and shows continuity of care. It can really help you understand a bigger picture of the child. Perhaps she really struggled with shyness, anxiety, or something last year and is just beginning to get better but still having some difficulties.

[hweber]

If you didn't single out the student to wash her hands, and have asked others to do so, then I would guess that wasn't the problem. Did the parent say anything to give you a clue? You really do need to talk with the student too, I think this could solve your problem. But like someone said, you should have someone in the room with you.

[Picassa]

Thanks for all the helpful responses.

I am an options teacher and I teach a grade range of 5-9 for background.

I have had the principal into my class after in incident and he stated that he thought the parent was off base.

I my discussion with the father and his daughter she would not look at me and he had no specific accusations. I have only taught his daughter for two classes and she is fresh out of home schooling. I think he mentioned in the meeting that they had never had her in a school. The student is in grade six.

The only specifics he referred to was my asking his daughter to was her hands and a short conversation I had had with him asking him to remind his daughter not to bring her phone to class. She had lost it and he came to the school looking for it - he seemed angry that the phone had not been found. I had been away on a field trip the day she lost it and happened to find it under one of my classroom chairs when I returned the following day. I asked him if the phone he was looking for was the same one I had found and he said it was. I told him that it would be good for him to remind his daughter to keep her phone in her locker so that she would not lose it again. He made a comment that he was dealing with his daughters unruly behaviour and stalked off with her. That was my only other experience with this father.

The meeting we had did not seem to resolve anything. I talked about my classroom practice and what we had done. I mentioned my surprise at his obvious anger. I even tried to apologize, but I was not sure what it was that I had done specifically. The father waxed poetic about his own abusive childhood and how he didn't abuse his child. He felt that I was either yelling at his child or maybe I was belittling her work (which is impossible as I spent the first two classes showing films and going over safety procedures in the room) or I was singling her out for some type of mistreatment.
Being asked to this meeting was a blow as I thought the student and I had a good rapport on the two days the student spent in my class. I wish there were files to look through but as she was home schooled there are no records.
*sigh*

Anyhoo, the meeting did not end positively. He stated that I had not listened to his concerns. I apologize that we had not resolved the issue positively, shook his hand and left the meeting. My principal later told me that the student back peddled on whatever it was that she said to her father and that he had found the man unreasonable and of questionable character. Nothing else has developed in this situation, the student has not come to school and I have not had further contact with the parent. When I entered teaching I never thought I would have to deal with such things...

Thanks again for all the feedback. Somedays I really wonder why I bother doing this job.

[hweber]

I think at times we all feel that way. If we could just really teach, I mean teach, not do the paper work, not deal with hovering parents, leave the drama out of the classroom, and out of the teacher's lounge. then maybe teaching would be what we all thought it would be. I am so sorry that you have to deal with this so early in the year. It does not set a good tone. A good point is that your principal seems to be on your side in all this. YEAH! So the student hasn't been back? That speaks volumes doesn't it?

[Ironmary]

If the student has been home schooled it could be that the father just isn't used to dealing with the school system. And the father does sound rather unreasonable.

I totally agree with hweber about the student not returning. It speaks volumes for sure! Nothing to do with your own teaching, but the inability for the father to think logically about the situation.

[Picassa]

I agree completely hweber!! I don't know what rose-coloured glasses I was wearing when I entered teacher's college!
Regardless, I am not letting this set the tone for the year - it just really caught me off guard. I am just making sure that the other students get the attention they need.
:)