Helping Parents Accept Disablity

[kjwmom]

Hi Everyone, I have been working with a student and his mom for a year now. She does not however accept the fact that her son has a disablity. She believes that it is due to his stubborness. How can I help this mom to understand that all of the punishing that she does to him (if he is bad at school he has to sweep or is denied toys). Will not help him to not be stubborn. He is diagnosised as ASD but she does not agree with the diagnosis. He has been in a special program now for 2 years.:confused:

[Oak Tree]

I think you should stay out of it.

[Chef Dave]

I agree. Stay out of it.

I once had a learning disabled kid in my class back when I was an elementary teacher. The parents met with me during the first week of school and INSISTED that I treat their child just as I would any other child. They said there was nothing wrong with their kid. They were in complete denial.

I was new to the system and thought I'd try their suggestion. Big mistake. Lack of modified assignments led to failure and frustration for the student in question. The parents subsequently came to school and screamed at me. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING? OUR CHILD IS FAILING!"

I told them that they had told me to treat their son just as I would any other student ... which mean no modified assignments. The parents were livid. Although they insisted that there was nothing wrong with their child, they shifted their focus to me and accused me of gross incompetence.

Their child didn't have a problem. I had a problem ...

So I think Oak Tree is right. Allow the parents the fallacy of their convictions. At some point they'll get over their denial and will come to terms with accepting their child's disability.

[JustTess]

Showing does wonders instead of talking.

Subtly (sp?).... I would ask the parents if there was anything I could do at school to help. They need to feel like the expert of their own child and have control over their decisions.

If you feel a particular behaviour improves because of some sort of intervention you used ... then show them what you discovered. They may not respond as if it is a big deal (pride). I've seen parents' gratitude much later when they build trust and comfort in confiding in me about their worries. That's when I make a difference.

If I come across as the "expert" of their child, I'm met with defensiveness and sometimes hostility.

[Aziz]

I have to disagree, although I admit I'm biased.

I was undiagnosed and legally blind for twelve years because my teachers "stayed out of it." I failed in school. I ran into objects. I got bullied and beat up on a regular basis. I got regularly punished for not looking teachers in the eye when speaking to them and for not writing neatly. It took twelve years and six eye doctors to get my parents out of their denial. If the doctors hadn't caught it in time, I would have gone blind. My vision is a lot worse than it would have been had my conditions been caught earlier.

I don't think anyone should have to wait to have their needs met. If the parents are oblivious to their own child's needs, some other adult with more common sense needs to figure out a way to help the child. Not only do you meet the needs of a student by recognizing his/her condition, you prevent years of teasing and bullying. For me, the hardest part of having vision problems has always been dealing with other people's attitudes.

I do understand that ASD and vision problems are very different. However, kids will target anyone who is different, especially if that difference is seen as inferior.

kjwmom, I really hope you do something.

-Aziz

[mandydevine]

This is a hard one!!!I come from both sides. I work with Deaf and SEN ( in the UK) and I have a child with SEN.

I found that being told straight that this was an issue and then being told this is what we do. Was a great help.It was hard to accept, I agree but the teacheres treated me like a person and became'proffesional friends'.I told them what I found worked and they helped me. We worked together. if she did something great at home, they gave her a certificate in assembly!! It was drummed into me, that all can achieve at different rates! Years later, I see what they meant.
My advice is, stay in contact, and talk regularly. Eventually, she will talk,also, just be there!!
It still works for me now (from the other side)and sometimes parents ring just to say 'hi!'
Good Luck

[NewSPEDTeacher]

Instead of outright telling the mother that she is wrong and in denial, I would provide her with some techniques for teaching her child. Maybe explain some things you are doing with the student that promote success for him or her. Sometimes people don't realize the basic stages of cognitive development and social skills. If he is misbehaving, the mother probably thinks, "well, he KNOWS better." but really, maybe he doesn't!

Maybe one day the student is freakin out because he knows that usually at 2:13 the teacher asks his or her students to start packing up, and on this particular day he looks at the clock and its 2:14 and he is thinking omg I'm not going home today, why aren't we packing up?

I had an student with asperger's during camp one year...I knew him because he was the classmate of a child I shadowed the year before. Most of the staff thought he was inappropriate and constantly misbehaving because he was just being defiant and "bad." During camp one day, he was supposed to come in wearing the official camp shirt because we were going on a trip and he refused to leave his father's car and was very upset because he didn't have the shirt. My assistant got him a shirt and most would think that was good enough....but he carried on as people told him, "It's okay, nothing is wrong" Many of the other counselors thought/said "There goes ______ acting up again" When I saw him, I said to him, "Something was wrong before because you forgot your shirt...but now everything is better because you have a shirt. It's a good thing we fixed the problem." TADA!!! Everything was better... he was just upset because basically he KNEW there was a problem and everyone saying nothing is wrong was a lie to him and also a denial of a fact he KNEW to be true!

Basically, my point is, this woman just needs to be taught how to understand the mind of a child with ASD. Maybe "forget" a book at the house one day... The Myth of Laziness is an awesome one. Mel Levine wrote it.

[deeno]

Hi,
I work with lots of parents of children with disabilities and I find initially there is always a time of grieving for the parents when we are gathering data or proceeding with the measures to procure a diagnosis. There are many reactions. Some people are thankful and come on board straight away. Others take their children to home schooling and others abuse us or ignore us for years. I understand that the whole process is very difficult but I continue putting in place all that is necessary to support the child and at the same time support the parent as much as they will allow.
We employ the services of an occupational therapist who helps enormously with the sensory integration and the social skilling.Sometimes the parent will listen to another professional that is semi-attached to the school.
It is a difficult situation. I have been ignored by one parent for three years because of my efforts to support an aspergers child. That child is still suffering but, due to ignorance and stubborness on the parent's behalf, is not receiving the support that would make her life so much easier.
Take care and remember that you can only so the best that you can.
Deeno