I Lost a Student-My First Post

[emilyb]

Today is my last day of Spring Break. Which of course we teachers know Spring Break=grades, catching up on paperwork,et al. Not much "break" involved.

Yesterday one of my students, who was only 15, was shot and killed. We don't know who, what, why...no motive.

So today I'm thinking how the system has us so wrapped up in lesson plans and state testing and endless paperwork, and sometimes we miss the trees for the forrest.

First time I've lost a student. I go back to class tomorrow where we are grieving AND preparing for a state assessment on Thursday.

Sigh. Cry. Prayer.

[Spectre]

Your post is a tough one to respond to. That is likely the only reason you haven't had more responses.

I've never lost a student before. Saying I know how you feel would ring false and would, in fact, be false. How can I know? How can anyone know unless they experience it?

But, as some on this site know, I do have a frame of reference, even though the event happened many many years ago.

I am a widower. My spouse of only four months was killed in a boating accident when we were both in our 20's. I never remarried, partly because I feared being attached to anyone; I did not want to get hurt again. And, frankly, I never came across anyone as special as she was.
I suspect, now, that I didn't want to, as that would disrespect her memory. Odd thinking, perhaps.

My point to you is this: life goes on. I am NOT saying don't mourn, don't be sad...You wouldn't be human unless you did. I am saying that you must allow yourself, your students, your school community, the time and opportunity to grieve. But don't let it consume you to the point where you stop living.

I did that...albeit for a short time.

Don't.

Grieve, feel anger (that is natural), don't suppress your feelings...but then move on from there. it won't happen right away, but it must, eventually.

Students, both yours and others, will be watching how you handle this. I know...you don't need anymore pressure on you than you have, but what I just said is a fact, probably an irrefutable one.

It's okay to show them you are human, that you have feelings. Never be ashamed of that.

But once the time for mourning is over, pick up and move on.

Your students will be watching you for cues on that too.

I think I speak for us all when I say our thoughts and prayers are with you.

[emilyb]

Thoughts and prayers are all we need :)

I just needed to write it somewhere. In this community, my students need to see grown-ups just say "it's sad." We'll buck up and move on in ten minutes (thank goodness I'm Language Arts where we can journal!), but it's all over the news. What is sad is that his parents aren't speaking for him. It's neighbors, cousins...saying what a bright, nice kid he was. But no parents to say WHY he was on the street at 2 a.m.! Same parents who never returned my calls. (my parents usually return calls and respond....his was a different story.)

Just sad.

[jsfowler]

My thoughts and prayers are with you. I have not lost a student, but I lost a dear friend my senior year. Tomorrow will be hard because the students need routine and normalcy but they also need a shoulder to cry on and someone to listen.

[Chef Dave]

I'm sorry for your loss.

I haven't lost a student yet, but my next door neighbor lost her 14 year old son a few weeks ago. Her son was entertaining his 14 year old cousin.
The cousin had a stolen handgun stuffed into the waistband of his trousers. He thought the weapon was unloaded but didn't realize that there was a single round in the chamber.

While bragging about how he would deal with anyone who "messed" with him, the cousin allegedly pulled the weapon from his trousers, pointed it at the other boy's forehead, and pulled the trigger.

The weapon went off and my neighbor's son died.

It was a stupid and senseless loss that had a profound impact on our small rural community.

[debbieg7944]

I am very sorry for your loss. As your students' teacher you will have to be strong, even though it will be very hard.

We lost my 7 year old nephew suddenly two years ago and it is still hard, but we got through it as you will get through it.

My senior year in high school I suddenly lost a classmate in a car accident. I remember the class being quiet with the sounds of tears and such saddness. We had counselors that spoke to us about dealing with the process and how to keep his memory alive.

My thoughts and prayers are with you, your students, and this child's family.

[busbus]

emilyb,

Such a sad post. My heart and prayers go out to you and all who are affected by this loss.

I do know how you are feeling. Three brothers were killed in an overnight fire in their house over a weekend. One had been my student, another was in one of our lower grades and the other had been a student at our school but had since gone on the middle school.

It was strange ... I awoke that Monday morning with the television watching me and hearing a news report about three brothers being killed in a fire on Sunday night. The area of the fire was given. It was in my school's neighborhood. As the report of the fire was expanded, for some strange reason, my student flashed in my mind. I could see him trying to get out of the house with his brothers in tow. Then I told myself, "No!" and got on myself about my vivid imagination. No sooner than I said this, the pictures of the brothers flashed on the television. There on the screen were the pictures of my student and his two brothers.

I wanted this to be my imagination running overtime. So, I sat on the side of my bed and waited for the report to be repeated. It wasn't my imagination and, this time, the names of the boys were given. There was no doubt. How sad ... the boys had been home alone!

I operated in a fog until I got to school. By the time that I arrived, the Grief Counseling team from the school district were already at the school. I couldn't afford to break down. I had to be calm in order to support my students.

Sadness, tears, anger and memories of the boys punctuated the day. We made it through. It was a day like no other day that I had experienced at that school. We truly supported each other - students and staff.

So, emilyb, you and your students will make it through this. I am so glad that you had a place to come to.

My prayers are with you, your students and this young man.

[science_monkey]

I'm terribly sorry that you and your students should be going through this. I know it's a difficult situation. I've had a number of deaths and near-misses surround my situations in life, from back in middle school to present day, ranging from car crashes to cancer to attempted (thankfully unsuccessful) suicides. None of these are easy to get through, just as in your situation. But as previous posters have mentioned, you must remain strong.

Your students are, whether you realize it or not, relying on you in part to help get them through this difficult situation. How you react right now will make a deep impact in their lives. Even many years afterwards, I vividly recall the reactions of both teachers and students when one of my friends attempted suicide when I was in 7th grade.

Grieve, mourn, be angry, go through the range of emotions that naturally follow a horrible, senseless loss such as this case. Your students will be doing the same. Just make sure that you communicate with them regarding their feelings and questions about the situation. You may not be able to answer all of their questions; if so, tell them that - don't try to bluff, they'll see through it. Talk with them personally as a class, or privately if they need to. Let them know that they should be talking to their parents/guardians about this as well. Just make sure that the grieving process is not inhibited.

I wish you the best of luck in dealing with this difficult situation, and I offer my condolences as much as I can.

[wtrafton]

The only thing I can think to add is to remember that even as you and your students move on there will be times even later on when you and the students will think of this and bring back sadness. Loss is hard. I lost a classmate (and teammate) when I was in high school, she committed suicide and I still think of it. Sometimes I can't even put a finger on why her situation comes to mind. Of course I have experienced other losses in my life, I guess all I wanted to say was to be strong but know that it is ok to have weak moments down the road.

[emilyb]

Thanks y'all. And thanks so much on the heads up. They were ABSOLUTELY looking to see how we were reacting.

One student came to my second block cyring uncontrollably. Teacher in her first block had said (or the student had heard her say; i know they misunderstand us sometimes) that he was "just a kid who never came to school".

And the media here is just retraumatizing them with speculation and exhausting footage of others people's "opinions" on the death.

We created a banner in my first block with his name and "Gone But Not Forgotten." I let them go out one at a time to write on it, so they'd have privacy with their thoughts. By the end of today, it was full. We'll have to put another one up. We plan to get it to his family (although I learned today that he does not have parents....he was a child going aunt to aunt...uncle to uncle...for a bed that night and food...long story) We are going to send it to his great-grandmother.

Thank y'all so much. And I did let one class let me cry a little bit. It was the class he was in. They reminded me of a time he had made me crazy with his "clowing." (He was clever and funny.) I was trying to "reprimand" him, but I was laughing too hard.

I told them "laughter through tears is my favorite emotion." No, they did not get the Steel Magnolias reference :P

[Spectre]

Just hang in there, Emily. You're gonna make it fine.

[busbus]

I am so very glad that you made it through the day and had the opportunity to cry. What a relief.

I think that the banner exercise was great for the students, it allowed them to express their feelings - and in private. What a wonderful and considerate opportunity you gave to them.

If need be, cry some more. And always remember that we are here for you.

God Bless!

[MsCoffeeLover]

My apologies for not having responded sooner.

Again, I am sorry for your loss. It really is a tough thing to go through. Not so long ago, we lost a student. Three weeks after that we lost a teacher. Not so long after that, a student on my team's father drowned.

The banner was an excellent idea. I have so much I want to share/offer advice right now regarding your situation, but it is so overwhelming I can hardly get it out.

We have three wonderful guidance counselors who went above and beyond the call of duty. It was a tough time for everyone, but I was amazed how everyone came together.

In times like these, being open, approachable, understanding, and compassionate with the students is very important because you never know how folks will respond. It is also important to be "real" and "true" to yourself because these are lessons about life and humanity that aren't outlined when we went to school to become a teacher.

I hope that makes sense.

[Spectre]

Well put, coffee lover. your logic seems crystal clear to me.

[emilyb]

It makes total sense, and keep your thoughts coming as you have them to communicate (I understand the overhwelmed!)

Unfortunately, our guidance counselors are so busy with state testing and other NON counselor things, they are not available for these students. And my students are very aware, as am I and my smart, colleged educated friends, that if these children were in another district...with more resource....and if he had been another student....not from the "streets" we would have had a grief team, a memorial, et al.

No one to blame during all the emotion, it's just true.

I'm fortunate that I've been through trauma/crisis training with my own son and can tap into that somewhat. I had four come by yesterday just to cry. One totally cleaned my room while she did it, and then would stop, turn around and have something else to say.

I know it's going to be a process. I know with my own son grief would come out of NO WHERE. We'd be moving right along, in Disneyworld no less, and something would trigger an emotion.

But the more the emotions are OUT, the better they will be for it not to turn to anger.

We're starting House on Mango Street today. I've decided that what our state/district has recommended is not in our best interest right now.

[MsCoffeeLover]

Well, for the loss of the student, the 7th grade teacher covered for the 8th grade teachers during our planning. I had two periods of 8th graders in a row. They had only seen me, but don't know me. Part of the reason I became a middle school teacher was the fact that the seem to always be around me. Everywhere I go, a middle school aged child is always there. Apparently I was meant to be doing something with that audience, and that approachability has helped.

Initially, the students didn't know what to do. There was that long silence. Some students were crying. I just told them that if they wanted to discuss what they were feeling they were welcome to and no one would be judged. In fact, I can't even remember how we even got started talking, but I remember saying that their feelings were their own, and it was okay to not know how to respond because everyone responds differently. Once they felt comfortable and were given permission to express their themselves without judgment, that seemed to help. One girl wrote stories, another wrote songs, etc., and I offered to read them. Some students didn't even know the student that had died, but having to think about death so close to home brought on a whole host of thoughts.

Next thing you know, we ended up talking about my grandma who had died recently. We discussed all of the memories. It then became a stroll down memory lane and students shared more stories. Next thing you know we were laughing.

Then some kid said something about someone having a "butt chin" and that was the end of it all. The tone had been shifted.

You are doing a great job, but kids are also pretty resilient (sp). It is just working through the thought processes, and everyone has to work through them in their own way. That part doesn't matter if you are the teacher or the student. Just be real about it.

[WizardsWife]

The last day of my first year of teaching, two of my students were hit by a car . . . one was killed. When students got together to talk about it, it made all the difference. We planted a tree in his memory which is a nice place to reminder his life. Next year that group of students will graduate. I am looking forward to meeting some of them at the tree.

[ViciousVocabulary]

Emily,

My heart goes out to you, but it also cries out to everyone on this site to get active. I was losing one student per semester my last two years teaching in the barrio. At that time, it was reported that in Los Angeles there were sixty to eighty gang-related shootings every week from Monday to Thursday; the numbers went up to one hundred and twenty to one hundred and fifty on the weekend--every weekend! I left the school stunned. It was only this last year that I began to write my stories all down, and to begin asking questions about a teacher I replaced whose death I now believe was suspicious.

But back to you. After the grieving is over, it's important that the community, the teachers you teach with, and the police get active to nip this in the bud. I'm assuming that since you've lost only one, this death was unusual in your community. The gang violence I witnessed in Los Angeles is only spreading out to other communities. I encourage everyone on this site to be pro-active in their response to this kind of violence.

I wish you well, but I also pray that the culprits are found.

[MissTeach]

First- my thoughts and prayers are with you and your school.

I have lost students in the past and it doesn't get any easier. But you do find ways to help your students. A lot of excellent suggestions have been made. The students need to know that they can talk to someone about the friend they lost. I have always been in a school where counselors were available and willing to help the teachers and students.

I hope the person(s) responsible are found and punished.

[Hermione]

I've never lost a current student, but I have been to the funerals of three of my former students. Two were in their early teens at the time of their deaths, and the latest was the funeral of a 21 year old soldier who died in Iraq. He was in my very first class.

I couldn't go to the casket at any of the viewings. I just preferred to remember them as they were in my class. I have no advice to offer only to say that, as with most things, time will heal. My thoughts are prayers are with you and your school.

[ChocolateNewOrleans]

I have lost former students (while in another grade but at the same school) and lost a student at our school from the same grade, but different team. I have not yet experienced a student on my current roll sheet. If/when it happens, I am rearranging my entire seating setup, that way, that desk isn't just left empty,and give the students something else to focus on during grieving. How do you ever assign someone to sit in that particular seat for the rest of the year?

[Boxcar]

I missed this thread, and I'm a bit late jumping in.

I want to express my condolences for the OP, however. Grief is a long process, and I hope that you, your class, and the student's loved ones will heal. May the student rest in peace.

[sgaestel]

I am so sorry for what you have had to go through. One of my biggest fears is losing one of my kids. WHen I was in high school, we went through a year where we lost three kids, one of them was my very good friend. I do not know how difficult it is for you as a teacher, but experienced it as a student, and it still impacts me today.
Hang in there, it sounds as if you have handled the situation in the best possible manner for your students, and that is what matters most.

[ChocolateNewOrleans]

we had a train accident in highschool (kids were putting sofas and other junk on the track horsing around) and derailed the train with chlorine gas. Killed 6 of them instantly and the engineer. That was after a car accident killed one kid seperately.

Rough year. All seniors.

[ChocolateNewOrleans]

on a side note, I remember a teacher dieing while I was in school (on 2 separate occasions). One was a 38 y.o. heart attack while hunting. One was a car accident while at Christmas break. I haven't dealt with a co-worker dieing yet