Be accused of something. Don't mean to offend anyone!!!! Help!

[Ms.Champion]

So, I am a first year teacher. I have been formally evaulated by adminstraters twice and have gotten great reviews. I teach 6th grade and here is what happened to me the other day:

Okay, so just let me say I apologize if this offends anyone, because I don't mean it to do that. It is about school, two boys in a fight and one of my student's parents. Here it goes:

First off, the school I work at is considered an inner city middle school. We have many kids from the streets and black kids are the majority race there.

So, Thursday, when my 2nd group was coming into my class, I was standing at the door greeting the students as they came in. Next thing I hear is a desk slam to the ground and two boys (who are black) in the floor. At first I thought they were just playing around...well, I got closer and they were fighting. One of the boys was throwing punches at this boy. I got down on the floor and was pushing the aggresive one off of the other one. I finally got them apart and had the officer come up and get them. Well, these two boys got suspended for 3 days.

Well, on Friday, the Assistant Principal comes up to me and says that the parents of the boy who was throwing the punches wanted to meet w/ me at 1:30. He also told me to make sure that I had my team mate with me...just so the parents wouldn't gang up on me and it be their word against mine.

So, 1:30 gets here and the parents show up. They come in and sit down and I tell them what I saw and my side of th story. Now the dad was being very aggresive toward me. He was talking in a manner that made me feel about three inches small. The mom was just kind of agreeing w/ him, but was more willing to hear what we had to say. The parents are both black, so keep that in mind.

Well, the dad then says, "We heard that you (talking to me) was racist. We were down stairs and another parent was standing near us when we were talking to the AP. She came up to us and said that she wasn't trying to be nosey, but wanted to know what teacher you were talking about." They told them my name. Then this other parent says, "Ohhhh...that teacher is a racist. You need to get your kid out of her class, NOW. She told my kid's friend (that is in her class) not to talk to those black kids b/c they were bad kids. Also, something about a kid trying to get up and get a coat for another kid and you said that he shouldn't get up if he is not spoken to. Also, we were told that you tried to stab a kid w/ a pencil once. The last name is Bailey."

I was near tears then, I looked at him and said, "I am not a racist. I have NEVER said anything like that. If I would have said something like that I would have remembered saying that. Further more we don't have a kid w/ the last name Bailey anyway."

Then he said, "Well, I'm not saying you are racist. That parent just told us this. She is supposed to be coming up at 2 today to have a meeting w/ you."
I looked at the clock and said, "well, it's already 2:20 and I haven't been called out, so, I have no idea where you are getting this information from."

Then, my team mate says that she is not a racist. And then the mom goes, "I know you are not a racist...you have a mixed baby."

Anyway---the dad just kept on trying to figure out what the kids name was that said all this. I was very upset that he (or whoever) was accusing me of being a racist. I have no idea why that was even brought up in this meeting.

I finally was just ticked and said to the dad, "No one could work at this school if they were racist. Also, I don't sit here until 5:30 afternoon if I was a racist. I wouldn't have broken up the fight your son was in if I was racist and didn't care for you son."
The dad goes, "Well that's true." I said, "Well, I don't care what you do w/ your son. He is your son, you can move him out of our class or not. It really doesn't matter to me. I want you to do the best for you son."

Then the dad goes, "oh....I see, you don't care about my son." I said, "no, it's not that. There is nothing I can say that can make you keep your son in my class. That fight was not my fault. I also don't pick on your son. He is gravitating toward the wrong kids and is going to start going down that path. It doesn't matter what class you have him in, if he continues gravitating toward those kinds of kids, then he is going to continue getting in trouble."

I was soooo upset. Part of me hopes that they do move the kid to another class. I can't deal with that type of parent all year. I am also upset that their is someone going around saying that I am a racist. I am just really upset. I was thinking of staying at this school for longer than my two year contract, but I think I will definitely leave now after those two years.

Also, the kid that supposably (sp) said that I said all those things are in the 7th grade. I never see 7th graders. Whatever!!! I am sooo over it. If it was that big of a problem, I believe that one of the AP's or principal would have came to me already considering that two of them are black as well.

I hate that this is soooo long. I am sorry if I offended anyone, I didn't mean to do that.

[Chef Dave]

I feel your pain and am sorry you had this experience.

It's hard to interact with parents when they choose to play the "race card." I am fortunate that this hasn't happened much during my 18 years of teaching. I attribute this to being Asian as Asians are even more of a minority than blacks - comprising less than 1% of the total population of the United States. Outside of Hawaii, California, and New York, Asians are such a minority that we're not even mentioned in the national news when ABC, NBC, and CBS quote surveys about blacks, whites, and Hispanics.

I know you are taking this personally - but you really shouldn't. Some parents talk trash and some kids are prone to shooting off their mouths.

I just had a kid come back from a 5 day suspension and he came into my class talking garbage about the building administrator. He called the principal a coward who locks himself in his office and hides when real men like his father come to talk to him. (This is NOT true and I've no doubt that the student picked up this crud from his father who has the reputation of being something of a bully).

So what can you do? Talk to a building administrator. Administration should be aware of the situation, just in case the parents in question decide to complain. If nothing else, you will have saved the school administration from being blindsided by a complaint - and I have yet to meet the building administrator who enjoys being "surprised" by any problem that comes his or her way.

If you talk to the building administrator, they may will be proactive about stepping on this rumor. Rumors have an unfortunate way of spreading and the last thing you want would be to have entire neighborhoods gossiping about the local racist.

Should the parent request another conference, be sure to have administration present.

[mopar]

Definitely continue conversation with your administration. The principal or APs can help you to squelch the rumor as well as offer assistance with the parent whether their son stays in your class or is switched to another class. If the student stays in your class, keep the parents informed as much as possible about their son. This will help build a more positive relationship with the parents.

[Bananas]

Sometimes when you are talking with parents, you need to be detached and calm, despite what you are feeling within you. This will develop as you gain more experience in future years in teaching. You can choose your words carefully in your attempts to build a more positive relationship with the parents. "I am glad you came in to discuss this matter with me in person." "I appreciate your listening and wanting to know both sides of the story."

Also, ask some questions that will allow them the chance to know they are being heard. Rather than being on the defensive, try to be proactive.

Was the student there? Would the student have answered honestly about you being racist when dealing with students?

[mopar]

I do believe that you must listen to the parents. They have talked with the student and know his side of the story.
How did the situation work out? Is the student still in your classroom or did they move the student?

[Ms.Champion]

Thanks for your replies!!! It is appreciated. The next Monday (this happened on a Friday) I went to the AP and gave him a heads up that the parents were going to call in and complain about how unprofessional he was that afternoon. Then I asked him about the other parent making a comment about me being racist. The AP said that he didn't say anything to them really that day...that the parent was doing all the talking. He also said that there hasn't been any complaints about me and that I shouldn't worry with it b/c the parents are just trying to blame anyone but themselves.

The little boy came back a few days after being suspended and is still in my class. He is still acting up and when he gets called out he accuses me of, "picking on him." So, I am trying to lay off on him, b/c (in a way) I know that this is his dad feeding him the "picking on me" lines.
I am not going to let one parent get me down. Like I told the parents, the kid is heading down that wrong path and he is going to get in trouble if he continues. They don't want to hear the truth, instead, they want to say that we (his teachers) are "picking on him."
Thanks again for your comments!

[Chef Dave]

The little boy came back a few days after being suspended and is still in my class. He is still acting up and when he gets called out he accuses me of, "picking on him." So, I am trying to lay off on him, b/c (in a way) I know that this is his dad feeding him the "picking on me" lines.


Unfortunately, the lesson this student is inadvertently learning is that he can manipulate his parents against the classroom teacher by playing the "poor little me" card.

The other concern I have is that by cutting this kid some slack, you may be undermining your own class management.

After all - if this kid gets away with X behavior, then why do other kids who exhibit similar behaviors get in trouble?

And if push comes to shove and student Y complains to his parents about how student Z never gets in trouble for the same behavior ... you're running the risk of a public relations nightmare.

I know that dealing with unsupportive and confrontational parents is difficult ... but I think you need to hold the line.

It shouldn't matter who does what. If ANY STUDENT violates a classroom rule, there should be a firm, fair, and consistent response.

And ... as long as you continue to enjoy the support of the building administration, I'd shelter under their support. Be firm, fair, and consistent ... and if the parents come to school to rage about injustice, they can rage to the school administration.

The important thing is to keep the school administration informed. No one likes to be blindsided by angry parents who appear in the administrative office for "no apparent reason."

Keep your administration informed. Document this child's behavior. Abide by your classroom rules and school policy ... and you should be okay.

[Boxcar]

I'm sorry you had this experience. I can understand your pain, hurt, and frustation.

[mopar]

I agree with Chef Dave. Set the structure of your classroom and abide by it. Make sure all students know that these rules apply to everyone. Also continue to be a consistent as possible and document, document, document, especially if you can write the exact words of the student! What a plus to walk in to a parent meeting with this.

I also try having the student call home. Maybe send the student to the principal's office and have the principal and the student make a phone call home. Maybe the parents will start to get the message when the student can't really lie to them.

[3rdgradeteach]

I'm sorry about all the politics as well. I know exactly how you feel - believe me!

[3rdgradeteach]

:( I'm sorry about all the politics as well. I know exactly how you feel - believe me!

[Spectre]

Ugh! :mad:

Can I ever feel your pain. I've seen this scenario play itself out many times, not usually involving me, but it's still upsetting to see parents play the race card. I see it as the act of weak, uninformed people.

Yes, this child now has effective control of the situation. No matter what you do, he is going to accuse you of racism. He is well entrenched as a "victim." Sadly, too many minority youth take this route and so do their parents. It's a disservice to all involved, and, as even other blacks (like Bill Cosby) have said, so long as the black race (or anyone else for that matter) continues to try to blame everything on the past and on everyone else, there will be little real progress for them.

But to your situation....I would, as the others have already said, stay the course. Set high expectations for all of your students and expect them all to adhere to them. Truth is, to do less is really a soft form of racism. Expecting less of a student due to their race or even their socio economic condition is an injustice. In my own school right now, I am dealing with a situaiton where one of our APs and a guidance counselor are doing just this. No one stands to benefit from it. Indeed, the school has aquired a reputation for being a school for troubled students and more and more students of more able students are sending their children elsewhere.

Rumors are rough opponents. There isn't much you can do once something like this gets momentum, except to do your job the best you know how. Surely they've given you a mentor, since you are a new teacher. Talk to your mentor. See how they have coped, how they have dealt with the "culture" in your school. I'"ll bet they've had to deal with what you're dealing with before. If you become the best you can be, despite the adversity, the rumors will lose credence and people will see them just for what they are-an attempt by weak people to cover their own inadequacies.

LOL! Some will doubtless take issue with some of what I have said here. That does not particularly trouble me. One last word of advice. Don't fear telling the truth. The truth is usually the first casualty of political correctness. And political correctness will someday mean the demise of our society.:confused:

[gsslmt2]

Ms Champion, I'd say you are a true Champion. I think you did a great job of handling that very difficult situation. The world of teaching unfortunately may have you finding yourself in that situation more than once. We too have parents who are like that. Some of ours are the "race card" and some of them are the "money card", the ones who think they are better than others because they drive a hummer and have three beach houses near the ocean. Just remember who you are. You are a wonderful person and a great teacher. Don't let anyone ever make you think that you are not. I am very proud of you and wish you the best of luck. If I were you, I'd count my blessings if they got that boy out of your room. He will cause the same problems in someone else's class and the parents will react the same. He probably has a history of this and none of it has anything to do with you except that you handled yourself very professionally and I want to commend you for a job well done.

[busbus]

I am so sorry that you had to go through something so ugly! As a new teacher, you had problems enough just getting your feet wet into teaching. I was angry for you and this happened to you about five months ago. As I was reading your venting (and you needed to vent), I saw exactly what the dad did. Instead of dealing with the son's misconduct, he put you on the defensive! "A good defense is a good offense!" (I think that's how the saying goes.) Unfortunately you did not have support at that meeting. Wow! If you had heard that dad was a bully, I'm sure that one or more of your administrators had heard the same! Anyway, NEVER, EVER allow anyone to put you on the defense when the meeting is not about YOU! Just as you have to redirect students, you have to redirect parties at meetings. Get them to focus on the issue at hand. In this case, it was the son's fighting! If parents refuse to be redirected; then, you have the right to stop the meeting and reconvene when they are ready to discuss the issue at hand. If possible, have your team mate get someone in authority to join you, so that you can make them aware that you are ending the meeting; but, will reconvene when the parties are ready to discuss the issue that initiated it.

Don't give up teaching. Good luck.

[Spectre]

Ms Champion, one of the toughest things about being in the classroom (aside from all the infernal testing, of course) is having to deal with unsupportive parents.

What is doubly sad is that too often, these parents actually think they are serving the needs of their child, when they are actually setting them (along with themselves) up for a mighty fall.

As teachers, we do not have time or energy to dream up or implement ways to torment or mistreat our students. Those who do have NO business in the classroom. I speak, here, of a tiny minority, of which you are clearly not a part or you would not be here seeking help and advice. People with a mindset like that wouldn't take the time to do this.

These parents clearly don't understand this. There is little you can do about that.

I hope that you have an effective and proactive administration and that you also have a caring mentor who can help you through this.

If not, then I suggest you seek employment somewhere else in the future. Without leadership and direction, a school is lost. i KNOW. I've seen that only recently.

[Ms.Champion]

Thanks for your comments, it really means a lot!! :-D I haven't had any other altercations with this parent and my adminstration is backing me 100%. They have not had any complaints about me being a racist and feel that the parent made it all up. We go back on the 2nd and I hope we all have a great rest of the school year!!

[MrsAtkinson]

I'm shocked honestly! :eek:

I'm glad you had someone there with you during the meeting. Your Principal was smart to request that! I'm so sorry that you are going through this and I wish you lots of strength! :)

[I.Heart.Husband]

I'm so sorry to hear you're having to deal with such an issue. It's sad when people grab at any straw that distracts from the real circumstances at hand.

I try to recognize those 'blockades' people try to present by letting the 'garbage' they're throwing come right back on them. i.e. As soon as he said, "I hear you were racist." Then let that garbage hit their own blockade and say, "I'm sorry you heard unpleasant rumors but the issue we're hear to deal with is your son's behavior in this class room." Be calm and kind, but force them to "stay on track". Don't allow them to control the conversation. Some people use emotions and touchy subjects to distract from the problems they don't want to face -such as their parenting skills. (I'm not suggesting their bad parents, its just an example. Kids fight. We all did. It's part of life.)

Just remember you're the authority and you're in control and don't let them take that from you. Oh, and having a "buddy" to witness is also a brilliant idea. Keep up the good work! You handled it beautifully! :p

[I.Heart.Husband]

I'll tell you what has helped me deal with such students who want to be "above the law", so to speak. Kids are faced with too many abstract concepts and need something tangible. Try getting some poster board and a sharpie marker (and maybe some stencils) and make a list of rules. Just some bacis, generalized rules. (i.e. "Show respect for other people." "Don't touch(or show respect for) other people's things" "Sit down before the bell rings.") Have a list of no more than 10, I would say. Then you cna stop this, or any, student in the middle of the infraction. Put it BACK ON THEM. Ask him, "are you breaking rule #3? Are you showing so and so respect?" Make them recognize their OWN behavior so they CAN NOT make excuses (like, "You're picking on me.")

SOMEONE needs to make these kids realize consquences of actions and responsibility of self.

[sgaestel]

I am so sorry to hear about your situation, it must have been very frustrating. It does seem as though you stood your ground in the meeting, and I commend you for that. IN regard to the student, try not to treat him any differently then you would have before the meeting. Don't let that parent bully you into laying off of their son!
Should another situation arise, I would definitely have an administrator in the meeting with you. I was shocked to read your post and see that one was not present for the first meeting, considering they had a feeling it may get heated. When I have had problem students in conference, I have always had an admin in the meeting! They will benfit from hearing it all. Have you spoken to your AP about the meeting and the child's behavior since?

[Hermione]

I'm so sorry that you're going through this. My advice would be to hold your ground and make sure you discipline the child just as you discipline any other. Don't worry that you're "picking on him." If he follows the rules, he won't have to worry about that. ;)

I find it funny that the parents were worried about you, and not the fact that their child was in a fight. With some parents, it's always going to be someone else's fault. Sadly, that's part of it. You just have to hold your ground and treat the child the same way you treat all of the others.

Good luck!

[theteacherchron]

I have a teammate that was involved in a similar situation where a black student accused my white colleague of being racist. The little boy even went so far as to lie and say that my colleague had called him the "N" word. Eventually, the matter was resolved, but if all of the team members were not there to support him, he would have been eaten alive and facing a lawsuit.

The bottom line is that you have to DOCUMENT EVERYTHING. I cannot say that enough. If something ever comes up in the future, you will be better off if you can pull out dates, times, and the child's actions/remarks on those days. I wish they had taught me about the importance of documentation in college. I had to learn about it the hard way.

[busbus]

This is the one thing that I tell the new teachers with whom I work ... DOCUMENT EVERYTHING! Always be prepared, you never know when you will need these records.

Parents will say, "Why didn't you call me?" Whip out your records and read off all of the telephone calls made - date and time, with whom you spoke or if you left a voice message. If you got a message that the telephone service had been terminated, write that down. Make copies of reports and notes sent home.

Keep records for everything. Yes, it's added work; but, in the long run, it's worth the effort.

[MissTeach]

I agree that you need to document everything! Documentation has saved me many times at Parent Conferences!

[csreading]

Read what you've gone through and see lots of great advice . . . supportive staff members and administration and most important of all documentation. If you make calls on your cell phone, you have records which you can access quickly through your phone bill or past internet access records.

[sgaestel]

Have things improved with this student? Just wondering if there is an update!

[ChocolateNewOrleans]

So, I am a first year teacher. I have been formally evaulated by adminstraters twice and have gotten great reviews. I teach 6th grade and here is what happened to me the other day:

Okay, so just let me say I apologize if this offends anyone, because I don't mean it to do that. It is about school, two boys in a fight and one of my student's parents. Here it goes:

First off, the school I work at is considered an inner city middle school. We have many kids from the streets and black kids are the majority race there.

So, Thursday, when my 2nd group was coming into my class, I was standing at the door greeting the students as they came in. Next thing I hear is a desk slam to the ground and two boys (who are black) in the floor. At first I thought they were just playing around...well, I got closer and they were fighting. One of the boys was throwing punches at this boy. I got down on the floor and was pushing the aggresive one off of the other one. I finally got them apart and had the officer come up and get them. Well, these two boys got suspended for 3 days.

Well, on Friday, the Assistant Principal comes up to me and says that the parents of the boy who was throwing the punches wanted to meet w/ me at 1:30. He also told me to make sure that I had my team mate with me...just so the parents wouldn't gang up on me and it be their word against mine.

So, 1:30 gets here and the parents show up. They come in and sit down and I tell them what I saw and my side of th story. Now the dad was being very aggresive toward me. He was talking in a manner that made me feel about three inches small. The mom was just kind of agreeing w/ him, but was more willing to hear what we had to say. The parents are both black, so keep that in mind.

Well, the dad then says, "We heard that you (talking to me) was racist. We were down stairs and another parent was standing near us when we were talking to the AP. She came up to us and said that she wasn't trying to be nosey, but wanted to know what teacher you were talking about." They told them my name. Then this other parent says, "Ohhhh...that teacher is a racist. You need to get your kid out of her class, NOW. She told my kid's friend (that is in her class) not to talk to those black kids b/c they were bad kids. Also, something about a kid trying to get up and get a coat for another kid and you said that he shouldn't get up if he is not spoken to. Also, we were told that you tried to stab a kid w/ a pencil once. The last name is Bailey."

I was near tears then, I looked at him and said, "I am not a racist. I have NEVER said anything like that. If I would have said something like that I would have remembered saying that. Further more we don't have a kid w/ the last name Bailey anyway."

Then he said, "Well, I'm not saying you are racist. That parent just told us this. She is supposed to be coming up at 2 today to have a meeting w/ you."
I looked at the clock and said, "well, it's already 2:20 and I haven't been called out, so, I have no idea where you are getting this information from."

Then, my team mate says that she is not a racist. And then the mom goes, "I know you are not a racist...you have a mixed baby."

Anyway---the dad just kept on trying to figure out what the kids name was that said all this. I was very upset that he (or whoever) was accusing me of being a racist. I have no idea why that was even brought up in this meeting.

I finally was just ticked and said to the dad, "No one could work at this school if they were racist. Also, I don't sit here until 5:30 afternoon if I was a racist. I wouldn't have broken up the fight your son was in if I was racist and didn't care for you son."
The dad goes, "Well that's true." I said, "Well, I don't care what you do w/ your son. He is your son, you can move him out of our class or not. It really doesn't matter to me. I want you to do the best for you son."

Then the dad goes, "oh....I see, you don't care about my son." I said, "no, it's not that. There is nothing I can say that can make you keep your son in my class. That fight was not my fault. I also don't pick on your son. He is gravitating toward the wrong kids and is going to start going down that path. It doesn't matter what class you have him in, if he continues gravitating toward those kinds of kids, then he is going to continue getting in trouble."

I was soooo upset. Part of me hopes that they do move the kid to another class. I can't deal with that type of parent all year. I am also upset that their is someone going around saying that I am a racist. I am just really upset. I was thinking of staying at this school for longer than my two year contract, but I think I will definitely leave now after those two years.

Also, the kid that supposably (sp) said that I said all those things are in the 7th grade. I never see 7th graders. Whatever!!! I am sooo over it. If it was that big of a problem, I believe that one of the AP's or principal would have came to me already considering that two of them are black as well.

I hate that this is soooo long. I am sorry if I offended anyone, I didn't mean to do that.

was an admin present in that meeting? If they weren't, that meeting would have paused just as soon as an accusation was presented against me. If an admin WAS present and they didn't stop the slanderous accusations, I would have left the meeting immediately saying that I am going to be in contact with my union rep and we need to reschedule when everyone, including my rep, could be present.

I WILL NOT sit there and take verbal accusations that are designed to shift the blame away from the fact that their son got into a fight. I had a teacher/parent come in finger pointing one time. This was a co-worker. I have no problems walking out of meetings if I feel threatened.

First year teachers are worried about offending people. You have no need to defend yourself against allegations like that. No answer you give will be good enough, so just don't answer.

[Boxcar]

I'm sorry you had to go through this. It is unfortuante that things like this happen. I agree that documentation is essential. It is your one best protection. Soon, it will become second nature. Also, I have one more piece of general advice. No, it won't help with this situation. However, you might not know it. So, I'll share. When going into a difficult meeting, bring articles, texts, journals, and studies to support your postion. For me, this means NAECY's DAP book along with another paper that "prove" me right.

[OtterPopStar]

What a sad situation to find yourself in! I feel for you.

When a parent gets upset, all you can do is let them vent and then say, "Here is how I understand things." State their position, and then state yours, and then put it back in their court - how do you want to proceed from yours.

You can never defend yourself against lies. It is a crazy world. It is best to stick with what you do know - that you are fair to all the students, that you do what is in the best interest of the children - and let your administration defend you.

It sounds as though your administrators suck. They should have never allowed that meeting to take place.

When you are in a difficult position, say as little as possible. Angry people like to twist words.

[Boxcar]

I love the suggestion about saying "This is how I see it." I always forget to use that method.