The Bright Side of Your Child's Bad Behavior

[Chef Dave]

I just read the following article at CNN.com, "The Bright Side of Your Child's Bad Behavior."

http://www.cnn.com/2007/LIVING/personal/07/19/bad.behavior/index.html#cnnSTCText

Although I'm generally in favor of looking for the silver lining in a dark thundercloud, I'm not sure about some of the examples cited in this article i.e.

In a perfect world, preschoolers would never steal, sneak, or lie. In reality, they do it all sooner or later. Sneakiness is hard to quantify, but research suggests that by age 5, almost 100 percent of children tell lies. For better or worse, deception is part of the human condition ... Your preschooler's first lie or attempt to put one over on you shows a significant cognitive leap.

Significant cognitive leap? Yes ... I can see that. I also remember that when I was a preschooler, I got in trouble for telling a lie to my parents. My father did not react with the "matter-of-fact, can't-fool-me attitude" suggested in this article. He put me over his knee and paddled my behind.

Today, a PC liberal might claim that I was physically abused as a child but back then, this was called "discipline." Moreover, my father taught me an important lesson. Lying is bad. Lying results in negative consequences i.e. angry father, spanking, lecture, loss of TV privileges etc.

Now understand this ... I am not a parent. I've been work oriented throughout most of my adult life and made the decision a long time ago that it would probably not be a good idea for me to marry and/or beget children.

Work has always come first for me ... and second and third and fourth and fifth.

I didn't think it would be fair to a spouse or a child to be so work oriented - so I am a confirmed bachelor.

So with this being said, I really don't know anything about raising children.

I've been a 3rd, 4th, and 5th grade teacher. I am now working as a high school chef instructor ... but being a classroom teacher is different from being a parent.

So ... those of you who are parents ... what do you think of this article? Does the author make a valid point or is she living in never-never land where her muted consequences do very little to teach a child the difference between right and wrong?

[teach1027]

It may be a cognitive leap, but a lie should be punished and treated as bad behavior. I was raised the same way if I lied I was in BIG trouble. Parents today downplay everything, and do not hold kids accountable for their behavior. I think it is a shame that parents are so matter-of-fact about things.

[bella mundi]

I teach high school students with autism and/or developmental disabilities. They are, what I lovingly refer to, as special as special ed gets.

Being autistic, they are very literal, and most of them could not conceive of not telling the truth.

But in the past couple of years (I have students for many years in a row) two of them have begun lying. Of course, this is not acceptable and they get in trouble for it, but secretly I am delighted. They are not cognitively aware or forward-thinking enough yet to hide their tracks and are fairly easily caught, but I am delighted that they try.

Yes, it is wrong, and yes they do have consequences, but it really is an advanced thing to do, and it shows a real maturation and development of their abilities. It is a necessary part of life, and takes imagination, fore-thought, and perception of other people's opinion of you. It shows a real awareness of other people and how they will react to situations.

That's my perspective as a special ed teacher though, not a parent.

[mopar]

I think that parents are worried to punish their children for now what they received as punishment is child abuse. Where does the line lay?

[Spectre]

This whole "discipline is evil" outlook scares me. Seriously. Never mind the biblical admonition that to "spare the rod" was to "spoil the child," this attitude goes against common sense.
I am concerned that so many youngsters come to school with little or almost no concept of there being consequence for poor choices. They and most often, their parents, always try to find a way to explain away what happened or, worse yet, to blame it on someone else. The notion of accepting responsibility for ones own actions seems foreign to them.
Many years ago, I had an elderly Nun for a principal and each time something went amiss, her response was that we had to be "positive people" and that if we did that, then all else would be all right. She forbade the use of the term "discipline" because that was "negative." Yes, she did that right up to the time when a very troubled little boy jabbed her in the hip with a pencil and she had to summon me to help subdue him. He proceeded to stab me a time or two, breaking his pencil lead in the process. No action was taken and in a few days, after the boy had been sent home to "cool off," he was back to wreek more havoc in his classroom. The teacher resigned after that year.
One of our teens tackled another girl and was beating her head on the concrete floor and was suspended for one day only after another Nun was injured trying to pry the two apart. The girl's father objected, saying he didn't think the suspension was "warranted."
And we wonder why behavior is so relatively out of control in our schools...

[Chef Dave]

A parent recently complained to me that she has no control over her son. Her son has been charged with petty vandalism and has recently gotten in trouble for discharging a firearm within the town limits.

"He doesn't listen to me," complained the mother.

When I asked her what she had done in response to her son's recent problems with the law, she gave me a blank look. "My husband and I told him that we were VERY disappointed."

Very disappointed? Geez ... what a zinger. I bet that really rocked the kid in his tracks. :eek:

... And the woman wonders why the boy won't listen to her ...

[Spectre]

No surprise to me, Chef Dave.

[mopar]

But that is what parents are told to do. Responsible parents don't hit or punish there children. So it seems that society has put us in a pickle.

[Chef Dave]

Responsible parents don't hit or punish there children.

Since when? I know this seems to be part of a growing liberal trend ... but I don't this is true for most parents ... at least I hope not.

My district is extremely conservative. We have a strict zero tolerance policy for student misbehavior and expect parents to support us. Parents who cannot support us will have to deal with their children after we suspend them.

Case in point - a student of mine was caught using a cell phone on campus in violation of school policy. The phone was confiscated. When an angry parent came to school demanding the return of the phone, the parent was given a choice. We could hold the phone for five days or we could suspend the child.

The parent chose suspension.

Sheesh ...

[Bananas]

There can be the bright sides to the bad behavior, and it doesn't require being nicey-nice with your children either.

Both of mine went through the experience of taking something from the store that I refused to buy for them. They were both around 4 when they did it. Our daughter's conscience got the best of her and her item showed up silently on our kitchen table. For our son, he left that empty candy wrapper on his bedroom floor after eating the item. Both times we marched them back to the store with the item or remnants to see the manager. Rather than Mom or Dad bailing them out, they had to tell the manager what they did and apologize. One grandmotherly clerk at the grocery store started to intervene on how cute our son was and how she was sure he would never do it again. Fortunately, the manager came over with a stern face and took us into his office. We were there for support and to see it through, but a strong impression needed to be made on both, beyond what Mom and Dad tell them, to stay with them for future temptation. They had extra age-appropriate chores at home to earn the money to pay the store for the item.

Both know right from wrong and save for what they want. Using the behaviors can have a lasting impression if used with natural consequences.

[busbus]

I don't have children, either. However, I helped to raise three nephews. Limits were set for them. Whenever they did or said anything inappropriate, they were reprimanded, firmly, and some kind of consequence was put into place.

I feel that children want limits set for them. It doesn't mean that they will be perfect. However I feel that they will learn appropriate behaviors through the fair consequences that they endure because of their inappropriate behaviors.

The store incident was frightening. I hope that, once calmed down, the mother sat her child down to discuss the shoplifting. And, of course, I hope that some kind of consequence was put into place. In this case, I think that mom should have taken the child back to the store and had her apologize to management for taking the braclet.